Why not dream? 

Life is a dream. A nightmare now and then, I have to admit. But we are free to do, good or bad, depending on our point of view, even under the conditions of these corona virus times. We are part of the conditions and we are determining them at the same time. We can rest, stay calm, get excited, be paralysed or keep moving.

This morning there were many birds on my terrace, hovering around my recently cut vines, chirping and playing, alive and happy. I imagined that one day I was going to fly with my friends. I'm either going to be a tree giving shade to animals or humans, or something else that may need it. Or I'm going to be an ant, carrying a little green leaf, together with countless others, marching like an army mysteriously arranged, as if they were laying down a highway like an endless runner through the forest, without any concrete, without any bureaucracy, as I had seen in Costa Rica near the Caribbean coast years ago. Very strange, very nice, very moving.

But we're not ants. We can or have to think. Raise our voices together and each in his own way. And listen. Maybe ants do the same thing, only in different ways. Maybe our life looks similar from a "higher point of view", more chaotic. But it is certain that patterns could be distinguished in our actions. I don't know. I don't even have to be human, a man. Sometimes it seems to me as if all beings wanted to become humans, to enjoy our form of freedom. That maybe the stars get bored while holding their position in the sky and want to enjoy themselves and let it all hang out for a while.

It is amazing that there are always fewer who want to provide shade like the trees, or offer themselves as wood to those who need shelter, like us human beings. And no one seems to want to be a worm anymore, and I can understand that, in the days of tractors, efficient mechanical and agrochemical farming it's no longer very cheerful. That's why I understand that we keep holding on to our known life. It's hard to change it. It's like no one wants to lose their most important role in the circus of life. But maybe a little fantasy will help. I do hope so!

Quite often I think about death, even if I don't know what death is. But I'm curious.

I would very much like to be a tree that is giving shade to those who need it, to give comfort to a sad girl that is crying leaning on my trunk, but I don't know if I would have the patience, or if I could stand it if another tree was taller and take away the light, warmth and vitamins coming from the sun. But thank God a tree isn't thinking that way, at least I can't imagine.

So I think about the life of a fly, the one that is landing on my finger pushing the keys of my computer, writing important texts or executing another human task. Of course, I often kill it at such a moment, with quick and expert movements of my hands. I'm skilled, I almost enjoy it. Shame on you! As a matter of fact I don't even have a bad conscience. So the life of a fly seems to be a good transitional solution for my next step. I don't know the fly's sense of time, but I could annoy this man at work, even without meaning to. I would be flying, eating shit - what an experience! - and I would quickly be freed from my fly experience, by the same death blow that I had given it in a "previous" life!

Not everyone is indulging in such fantasies. It is clear. But I love them. Well, Like this I don't have to think about what others should be doing, but I keep my freedom, my little freedom of action. The freedom of a thinking human being.

What about the life of a worm? I do love sensuality. Touch things. As a human being I find it hard to live it freely from time to time. I think a lot and the thinking is changing the sensitivity, although it is part of it. It has advantages and disadvantages. So I do enjoy imagining myself a worm plowing through the earth, unsure, if this is hard work rewarded by pure sensuality. Being one with the earth, this rubbing, the food coming in front, working through my body and leaving behind. It feels very sensual, pure sensuality. Certainly an experience. I have time, all the time in the world!

But what about a virus. It seems like nothing though. I can't dream of being a virus. I can only experience it as part of another being's dream. Is this your dream, or mine? Please tell me, I'm listening, even if I don't do what you might expect. Let's rub and hug together, as if we were worms in the ground. Let's fly like the birds and bugs in the sky. Let us breathe like the trees, inhaling what some don't need and exhale what others might want. Let's be the human being we already are, always searching for our place in the world, in the abundance of life.

We may be God's witnesses, but even as witnesses we are not neutral, we are part of God.

This morning there were a lot of birds singing and playing again. I'm still dreaming. I still enjoy the dream born in the nightmare of these times.

PS: Today we went walking, it was beautiful. It was a calm morning, free of fear. The colors were intense, the river was flowing gently, and the small lake where we rested was beautiful. I was sitting on the bench and smoking my cigarette, my peace pipe, and watching the birds on the lake and saw the sparkling lights dancing on the ripples of the water. I thought of light beings, the first time in my life. They seemed to be dancing. I watched them more closely, hoping to see them more clearly, but soon they were gone. But no, they appeared at another place, danced for a while to suddenly move on again, and disappeared. I felt like I got the message to move on. Maybe they are shy these small beings, but maybe they only played with me and showed me the way, and I was happy that life doesn’t always need a lot of space. So maybe I will be welcomed one day to dance with them, and show a lost human the way myself.

Plenty of options. No reason to loose hope!

PS II: Some say that the world is an illusion, everything is an illusion! Why does that always annoy me so much? It makes me feel like screeming out loud: What is reality in that case?! My psychiatrist and companion of many years recently wrote to me: Let's wait for our meeting till second half of April, perhaps the corona virus will have come to senses, purified by Easter.